What If You’re Not to Blame? Why Letting Go of Free Will Might Be the Key to Real Self-Compassion

We all want to be more compassionate—with ourselves, with others. It’s become a modern mantra: be kind to yourself, give yourself grace, don’t be so hard on yourself.

But let’s be honest: that’s easier said than done.

Most of us have a deeply embedded voice that says,

“You should know better.”
“You had a choice.”
“You messed up. Again.”

We try to push back with self-help, meditation, mindfulness—and sometimes it helps. But often it feels like we’re just layering nice words over something deeper and more stubborn.

And that “something” is this:

We still believe we have complete control over our actions.
We still believe in free will.

And as long as we believe in free will, true self-compassion will always be out of reach.

Let’s Think About This

If I believe I had total freedom to act differently—to say something kinder, to resist the craving, to stop the pattern—then when I fail, whose fault is it?

Mine.

That’s the trap.

Because if I could’ve done better, and I didn’t…
Then I deserve the guilt.
Then I earned the shame.
Then I should try harder next time.

This is the invisible logic that keeps so many of us stuck—striving, punishing, looping.

But What If You Couldn’t Have Done Differently?

What if your action (or inaction) wasn’t a failure of willpower or character?

What if it was the natural result of:

• Your biology,

• Your nervous system,

• Your history,

• Your beliefs,

• Your wounds,

• Your environment?

What if, given everything that shaped you up until that moment, you could not have acted any other way?

What if everyone—yes, everyone—is always doing the only thing they can do in that moment, given their inner and outer reality?

This isn’t letting yourself off the hook.
This is finally understanding what the hook is made of.

Determinism: The Unexpected Path to Compassion

This idea—that our behavior is shaped by causes beyond our conscious control—is called determinism.

And the more I explore it, the more I realize:

Letting go of free will doesn’t make me feel helpless. It makes me feel softer. More human. More kind.

It’s not that I stop caring about how I behave.
It’s that I start understanding why I behave the way I do.

And in that space—real compassion can emerge. Not the performative kind, but the kind that says:

“Of course you struggled.
Of course you got it wrong.
Of course you looped again.
Let’s look at what brought you here. Let’s care for that.”

Compassion Doesn’t Need to Be Forced

This is the wild thing:
Once we stop blaming ourselves (or others), compassion doesn’t have to be summoned.
It shows up on its own.

Compassion is what happens when blame dissolves.

When you stop seeing yourself as a bad person making bad choices, and instead as a complex being shaped by a million things you didn’t choose—you soften.
You breathe.
You begin to respond to yourself the way you would to someone you love who’s hurting.

And from that space, change becomes possible—not because you forced it, but because the internal weather finally shifted.

An Invitation

If this resonates—even a little—stay curious.
Start noticing when shame shows up.
Start wondering, “What shaped this?” instead of “What’s wrong with me?”

You might find that self-compassion isn’t something you need to practice so much as something you need to uncover.

And maybe… just maybe…
Letting go of free will isn’t the end of responsibility.
Maybe it’s the first real step toward lasting transformation.

Joanne