There is no shortage of advice on parenting today.
Scroll through social media for a few minutes, and you’ll find countless voices telling you how to parent better—what to say, what not to say, what to do, what to avoid. Alongside that, there are deeper conversations emerging about parent-child dynamics, about healing, about the long-term impact of how we were raised.
All of it can be helpful.
All of it can also feel overwhelming.
So rather than adding another set of rules or strategies, I want to offer something different:
A lens.
A way of seeing your child that may shift how you relate to them—whether they are four years old, ten years old, or fully grown.
Your Child Is Not Just Developing a Mind—They Are Living Within a Conscious Experience
When we think about children, we often think in terms of development:
Their brains are developing.
Their skills are developing.
Their understanding of the world is developing.
All of this is true.
But something deeper is also true.
Your child is not just developing—they are experiencing.
From the very beginning, your child has a form of consciousness. At its simplest, we can think of this as:
An awareness of self in relation to an inner world and an outer world.
That awareness is not static—it evolves, expands, and becomes more complex over time.
But here is the part we rarely pause to consider:
We will never fully know what that awareness feels like from inside our child.
We can observe.
We can interpret.
We can empathize.
But we only ever understand a fraction of their lived experience.
And when we truly take that in, something shifts.
We move from certainty… to curiosity.
From control… to relationship.
From assumption… to humility.
Moving Beyond the “Vessel” Model of Parenting
Many of us were raised—explicitly or implicitly—with the idea that children are:
- vessels to be filled with knowledge
- beings to be shaped
- individuals to be guided toward competence and success
And while teaching and guiding are absolutely part of parenting, this model is incomplete.
Because every interaction we have with our child is not just instructional—it is relational and psychological.
We are not simply shaping behavior.
We are interacting with a consciousness that is forming an understanding of:
- who they are
- how safe the world is
- what it means to belong
- how they must adapt to be accepted
And this is where a deeper lens becomes helpful.
The Three Selves Within Every Child
In the work I’m developing, I often speak about three aspects of the self:
- The Given Self
- The Emergent Self
- The Adaptive Self
These are not stages.
They coexist.
And they are all present within your child.
The Given Self: Who They Already Are
The given self is what your child comes into the world with.
Their temperament.
Their sensitivities.
Their natural inclinations.
Their unique way of experiencing life.
Some children are naturally cautious.
Some are bold.
Some are deeply sensitive.
Some are more independent.
This is not something we create.
It is something we encounter.
To honor the given self is to recognize:
“This child is not a blank slate. There is already a ‘someone’ here.”
The Emergent Self: Who They Are Becoming
The emergent self is the unfolding.
It shows up in curiosity, expression, creativity, preferences, questions, and experimentation.
It’s the part of your child that reaches outward:
- “I want to try this.”
- “I like this.”
- “I don’t like that.”
- “This feels like me.”
The emergent self is alive, fluid, and constantly revealing new layers.
To support the emergent self is to allow space for becoming.
Not rushing it.
Not over-defining it.
Not shutting it down too quickly.
The Adaptive Self: Who They Learn to Be
The adaptive self develops in response to the environment.
It forms through subtle and not-so-subtle messages:
- What is accepted
- What is praised
- What is corrected
- What is ignored
- What feels safe
- What feels risky
This is where a child begins to learn:
“Who do I need to be in order to belong, to be loved, to be safe?”
Every child develops an adaptive self.
It is not a failure.
It is a survival intelligence.
But it is also the place where tension can begin—especially when adaptation pulls them away from their given and emergent selves.
Why This Matters for Parenting
When we see our child through these three lenses, something important happens:
We stop reacting to behavior alone.
And we begin to ask:
- Is this my child’s given nature expressing itself?
- Is this their emergent self trying to unfold?
- Or is this an adaptation to something in their environment—including me?
This doesn’t make parenting easier.
But it makes it more conscious.
It invites us to respond with greater awareness, rather than default patterns.
A Shift Toward Conscious Relationship
Parenting, through this lens, is not about getting it right all the time.
It’s about becoming more aware of the complexity of the human being in front of us.
A being we will never fully understand.
A being who is not ours to shape, but to support as they remain connected to who they are, while navigating who they are becoming.
A being who is, from the very beginning, living a life from the inside.
And perhaps the quiet invitation is this:
To meet our children not just as roles we are responsible for, but as consciousnesses we are in relationship with.
If this perspective speaks to you, I share reflections, practical tools, and a guiding framework on my Facebook page, to help you bring this way of parenting into everyday life.
Joanne 💗
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